Ultimo Parody
by TinaWhacksFrostWithMuffin
Summary: Really random parody of the books. Rated T to be safe.
1. Prologue

**Place: Ancient Japan. **

**Date: Sometime in either AD or BC, the only things I listen to in history class are about Viking attacks and Ancient Greek gods... Oh yeah, and China. They've got yummy food in China. And Egypt, they've got really cool tombs, and in Rome, those fights and battles and oh yeah, I also absolutely love-**

**Opening scene: Old man called Dustbin is walking along with a horse-drawn cart that is somehow moving without the horses.**

Bandit Leader (BL) and his gang: *Jump out of nowhere* YAAAAARRRR! GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY!

Dustbin: I don't have any money.

BL: Then give us those boxes!

Dustbin: You never know, I could be keeping a live snake in there.

Fat Dude: Woah, there's a snake in there?

BL: Of course not, he's just trying to scare us. I've got a great idea, let's check by opening the lids!

Dustbin: I wouldn't recommend that, you see, there are these two guys in there-

BL: You lock people in there?

Dustbin: No, I mean, they hate each other, so-

BL: Have you ever heard of taking them to a lunatic asylum?

Dustbin: Can you just let me fin-

BL: No! Let's open the lids of these boxes with absolutely no idea of what's inside them!

Fat Dude: Yeah, I wanna open this one! *Pulls the lid off one of the boxes, Vice is inside.*

Random Bandit: I'm gonna open this one! *Opens other one, Ultimo is inside.*

BL: WTF, you said you kept people in there, but you never said you lock children in there, what are you, a child abuser?

Dustbin: As a matter of fact, I am.

Vice: Who called me a child, I'm EEEEEVIL! I'm gonna kill you all!

Fat Dude: Woah, it talks?

BL: Of course it talks, you blithering idiot. It's a child!

Vice: NOOOO! I'm not a child! *Kills guy who doesn't belong in Japan with an afro 10 times the size of his head.* I'm going to cut you all 100 times! *Kills another three people*

BL: You only cut them once.

Vice: See if I care, b*tch!

BL: Old man dude, stop him!

Dustbin: Oh, I can't you see, when I made them from parts I found in the junkyard, I didn't think of making an 'off' button. I was too interested in making them so unreasonably complicated by collecting souls and stuff with all these successful experiments.

BL: So what's that supposed to mean?

Dustbin: It means I can't stop them.

BL: Sh*t.

Dustbin: Look on the bright side, I can finally work out which is more powerful good or evil!

BL: *Points to Vice killing his family and friends/cronies* Hello? I'm watching my people getting murdered right before my eyes and you're telling me to look on the bright side?

Dustbin: Yep ah de doodle do!

BL: You're insane!

Dustbin: You don't know how many times I've heard that joke.

BL: It's not a joke!

Dustbin: Insane? I'm a f***ing genius!

BL: Making a thing programmed to kill good things is not being a genius!

Dustbin: *Sniffle* Yes it is! *Point's at Ultimo's box* Oh look, the good one's awakened!

Ultimo: *Sits up, yawns, and scratches him bum.* Mm, what a sleep, I could do with a good 'ol coffee! *Burp*

BL: _That's_ the good one?

Ultimo: *Turns around to face BL with a finger up his nose* Huh? What did you say about me?

BL: Um...

Ultimo: *Sees Vice* Aha! I shall now beat my enemy once and for all!

Vice: *Transforms into something he can only transform into if he has a master – which he doesn't* I shall cut you all 100 times each!

BL: You already said that.

Vice: I'm gonna kill you all!'

BL: NO! *Draws his sword an stands in badass position* I will stop you!

Vice: Dude, I'm about a million times bigger than you and you're trying to stop me with a _sword_? I'm sorry, but have you taken your medicine today?

BL: What's medicine?

Vice: Never mind, I'm gonna kill you!

BL: Well if you're going to kill me, why don't you instead of promising you'll kill me?

Vice: Hm, good question...

Ultimo: *Flies up even though he doesn't have any wings or magical powers*

Vice: Hiya! *Ultimo blocks* Whyah! *Ultimo blocks* Fryah! *Ultimo blocks* F***

Ultimo: It's no use, Vice. I know all your attacks, they won't work on me.

Vice: Well I know all _your_ attacks, they won't work on me, either.

Ultimo: Sh*t.

Vice: Yeah. Sh*t.

BL: *To Dustbin* I don't think they're fighting anymore.

Dustbin: They'll start again. They'll also get a master each. They will go through many masters...

BL: They'll kill many masters?

Dustbin: ... And they'll meet each other in battle once again, they'll have to learn three skills for one to defeat the other – The heart is the soul of good and evil, Power is the sword that adheres to its resolution and A doll is the mirror reflecting the image of a human.

BL: Sounds like gibberish to me... Wait a second, are you trying to teach me philosophy?

Dustbin: Crud, how could you figure that out?

BL: And those 'skills' sound more like sentences.

Dustbin: They are.

BL: How are they supposed to help these two kids... Er, things defeat each other?

Dustbin: They won't. I really don't give a crap about them, that's why I've suddenly had this brilliant idea to create more mechanical boys to tear apart the planet in duels to the death!

BL: WHAT?

Dustbin: Sorry, can't talk. I've got souls to steal and maniac- I mean, create more Karakuridoji tings, bye! *Randomly disappears*

BL: Can somebody tell me what the f*** a Karakuridoji is?

Vice: I'm a Karakuridoji, b*tch! Ow!

Ultimo: *Kicks his cucumber* Yes, got you where it hurts most!

Vice: We're robots, we don't have d*cks.

Ultimo: Then what did I just kick?

Vice: MY SAUSAGE, MOTHER F***ER! PREPARE TO DIE, YOU GOOD THING!

Ultimo: You don't have to shout, I'm right in front of you.

Vice: YAAARRR!

BL: Gasp!


	2. Actually Chapter 1

Rune: Oh my gosh Yamato, you're so tall!

Yamato (someone who looks suspiciously like the Bandit Leader): ... What does that have to do with the story?

Rune: Nothing! By the way, it's Sayama's party tonight!

Yamato: Nooo! I didn't get her a present! Now I have to sell my school bag for money to get her one!

Rune: ?

*Yamato walks into pawn shop and Rune follows*

Old Man: Oh, hello.

Yamato: *Looks around the shop and sees a Ultimo in glass case* Ultimo?

Rune: What?

Yamato: Oh my gosh! A random name popped into my head!

Rune: Have you taken your medicine this morning?

Yamato: Come to think of it... No.

Old Man: Do you like the doll? I found it in the mountains, lying in a crater as if it fell from the sky...

Rune: That sounds like someone threw it out of a plane.

Old Man: That's how I think it got there.

Rune: But why would anyone throw a doll out of a plane?

*Yamato presses his face up against the glass and Ultimo's eyes open.*

Ultimo: Master! *Jumps through case and hugs Yamato, sending glass flying into his face.* Holy fudge! It's been nine centuries since Master saw Ulti!

Yamato: WTF?

Ultimo: Master does not remember Ulti?

Yamato: I don't even know you! How can I remember you?

Ultimo: : ( *Goes and huddles in the corner of the store*

Yamato: *To Old Man* See a doctor, old guy! You shouldn't keep your grandchildren in display cases!

Old Man: ?

*In a bus to school*

Yamato: Sigh... Maybe I could mug someone or bash them up and demand money...

Rune: But wasn't that weird?

Yamato: What?

Rune: Didn't you see that when we went into the shop, that doll – Ultimo wasn't it?

Yamato: Yeah?

Rune: Well, at first, it was all dirty and covered in sh*t, but when it hugged you, it was all clean and shiny...

Yamato: You're calling a person 'shiny'?

Rune: Well...

Yamato: I don't care, all that matters in my whole, miserable, f***ing life is getting a birthday present for a girl I liked since year five.

Vice: Mwahaha! Here's a present for you-

Random person: Holy crud! Get that kid off the road!

Vice: Kid? I'm evil! *Cuts bus in half*

Random person: Well, if you're so evil, why didn't you kill everyone in the bus?

Vice: That's none of your business!

Rune: Yamato, the bus is flying!

Yamato: Someone forgot to take their medicine- Hey, the bus _is_ flying! What the frick is going on?

Ultimo: *Holding up both halves of the bus* Sorry Master, stalking is a nasty habit of Ulti's...

Vice: Remember a few centuries ago you said that my moves won't work on you because you 'know all of my attacks?

Ultimo: Yes?

Vice: DEFEND YOURSELF FROM THIS, B*TCH! *Stabs Ultimo through the groin with his long, pointy thing replacing his hands*

Rune: Eww...

Vice: Be careful, I can destroy your spirit sphere, my Turtle Saw is dangerously close to it...

Ultimo: Why didn't you destroy it instead of poking me in the area?

Vice: BECAUSE I'M EVIL!

Ultimo: Isn't killing more evil than stabbing a robot that can't feel pain?

Vice: Um...

Ultimo: Aren't you going to destroy my spirit sphere now? *Starts sobbing*

Vice: No, I'm going to cut everyone 100 times each!

Ultimo: You say that heaps in the series.

Vice: Do I look like I care?

Yamato: Oh no, he's going to hurt Sayama! *Jumps out of the bus' window, holding his bag above his head* I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU HURT SAYAMA! I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU!

Vice: WTF?

Rune: YAMATO, YOUR MEDICINE!

Vice: You're going to destroy me with your school bag? You're just as twisted as ever.

Ultimo: Yamato will protect Sayama with his life, this makes Ulti happy and gives him strength.

Vice: You don't seem to mind that he doesn't give a toss about you!

Ultimo: I will break you, even if it costs my life... Millennium cut! *Cuts Vice in two*

Everyone: Yay!

*Ultimo rips and the bus explodes*

Everyone: Aww...

K: *Walks through rubble up to Vice, who is now a doll* Waah! You suck Vice! *Kicks Vice* I quit my job and rented out the most sh*tty apartment when I got you! And now you broke! What will my grandmother say? What will my mother say? What will Adolf Hitler say?

Rune: A buck-toothed maniac is yelling at a doll...

Yamato: Hey shut up, no one cares about you!

K: Sniffle...

Yamato: Hey, you! *Punches K*

Rune: Why did you do that?

Yamato: I'm gonna check if he has any money on him...

Rune: Why?

Yamato: Sayama's birthday present, duh!

*Police sirens sound*

Rune: Um, Yamato, the police are here...

Yamato: Just a second, I found a few yen...

Police guy: Alright, hands up! And don't tell me that you're making a movie!

Rune: Why not?

Police guy: Because that's how the last few criminals got away!

K: Help, these kids blew up the bus and attacked me when I tried to stop them...

Yamato: That's not true! Well, it is a bit, ok, it's true.

Police guy: Mwahaha! I'm going to arrest you all!

K: Vice, protect me! *Vice transforms into a thing and flies away*

Yamato: There goes Sayama's birthday present...

Police guy: There goes a criminal!

Another police guy: Dude, that doll transformed and flew away, doesn't anyone find that a little out of the ordinary?

Rune: I thought that thing broke...

Police guy: Well, I'm still arresting you two for- *turns just in time to see Yamato and Rune grab Ultimo and run for it*

*Outside Yamato's apartment, in some bushes*

Yamato: Right, now all I have to do is sneak Ultimo into my room-

Mum: Yamato, are you taking a sh*t out here in the bushes?

Yamato: Ah, no!

Mum: Oh, alright. *Walks away*

Yamato: (She's not wondering why I'm not in school?) *Sneaks in through bedroom window and puts Ultimo on his bed* I wonder how I'm supposed to fix this... I know, I'm going to kiss it! *gets onto Ultimo in a VERY awkward way*

*Door opens and Sayama walks in.*

Yamato: Augh! Sayama!

Sayama: Are you... Humping a doll?

Yamato: Um, no!

Sayama: 0.0 *Walks out*

Yamato: Nooo! Sayama!

*Later, in shower*

Yamato: My life is over...

Ultimo: Do you need any help, Master?

Yamato: GET OUT, I'M NAKED!

Ultimo: Oh, sorry. Ulti tends to perve a bit-

Yamato: I DON'T CARE, YOU RUINED MY LIFE, GET OUT!

Ultimo: WAH! *Flies out window, smashing the glass*

Yamato: What's with Ultimo and smashing glass?

*A while later, Yamato walks into kitchen*

Yamato: *Stares at food* What the hell? *Starts eating really quickly* THIS FOOD IS AWESOME! I'M GONNA GET INGESTION FROM EATING LIKE THIS, BUT WHO CARES! Wait a second...

*Sees that window is smashed*

Yamato: Ultimo must of made it! Wait, he couldn't have, he doesn't even have hands. Is Ultimo even a guy? He looks like a girl... GAAH! I should of let him stay, I want to find out his or her gender once and for all!

*Jealousy appears with Iruma*

Yamato: Oh, are you a guy or a girl?

Jealousy: Guy.

Iruma: Girl.

Jealousy: I'm a guy!

Iruma: Really? Gosh, your creator sure was sexist!

Jealousy: I know, basically all of us are guys.

Iruma: Well, the manga _is_ made for guys...

Yamato: What are you doing here?

Iruma: Huh? Oh yes, I've got a million in this case. *Shows briefcase to Yamato* Give me Ultimo and it's all yours.

Yamato: Piss off, b*tch! *Pushes Iruma out the window*

Iruma: Augh! Save me, Jealousy!

Jealousy: Nah, you're not evil enough. *Turns to Yamato* I'll kill him, though.

*Ultimo appears and bashed the f*** out of Jealousy*

Yamato: Woo hoo!

Mum: Yamato, is everything alright?

Yamato: Oh yeah, this guy turned up and gave up a million bucks.

Mum: Really? Where is he now?

Yamato: Oh, he just 'dropped out' as soon as he gave us the cash.

Mum: How thoughtful of him!

Ultimo and Yamato: Hehehe!


	3. Also known as Chapter 2

Yamato: Soo... Um, Ultimo?

Ultimo: Yes, Yamato Sama?

Yamato: I've got a bunch of questions I want to tell you.

Ultimo: Ask away, Master!

Yamato: Ok, have you ever wet your-

Jealousy: *Flies back up to Yamato's apartment. Is seriously beaten up and one of his/her eyes has grown 20 times its original size* Grr, I'm gonna kill you! *Cuts open Yamato's arm.*

Yamato: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! I'M BLEEDING SO BAD! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH MAKE IT STOP, ULTIMO! *Squirts blood all over the apartment and runs around in circles, screaming.*

Ultimo: Karakuri Henge! Mouth of the Lion! *Gauntlet transforms into a giant lion head* Karakuri Henge! Dance of the Lion! *Hits Jealousy and the giant lion head tries to eat him/her.*

Yamato: Um, Ultimo? Why bother saying all that when you could just go ahead and-

Ultimo: Sorry Master, I've got a robot to kill.

Yamato: Robots can't die, they're not even alive-

Jealousy: I'm alive, you son of a-

Ultimo: *Flies down and proceeds to bash the f*** out of Jealousy.*

Jealousy: Hahaha! You're gonna be a Shara! Mwahaha! Why am I laughing? Mwahaha! Help, I can't stop! Mwahaha! Help! Hahaha!

Yamato: Hey, Ultimo?

Ultimo: *Still bashing up Jealousy* Ngh? I'm listening.

Yamato: Can you... Um, stop doing that?

Ultimo: Yeah, I'll just finish killing Jealousy first and then I'll get round to doing that...

Yamato: No, Ulti!

Ultimo: *Looks up and starts crying* Master... Called me... Ulti?

Jealousy: (Aha! Now that that good guy is distracted, I can defeat him even though he's way more powerful than me and I've just been bashed up _really_ badly!) Yaaah!

Creepy Bald Karakuridoji That's Really Short and is Dressed Like Some Sort of Monk (CBKTRSDLSSM): Ah, ah, ah! That's a big no-no, Jealousy!

Jealousy: Ok, who invited _him_ here?

Ultimo: Not me.

Yamato: Not me.

*Big, fat guy drives up on a tiny little motorcycle that wobbles and makes loud noises that indicate that it's passed its use-by date.*

Big, fat guy: I did! He's Regula, my Karakuridoji! He is the guy who symbolises discipline!

Yamato: Regula? As in, I'd like to order a regular sized coffee?

Regula: Gawd, you sure need some disciplining! Can I spank him, Eco?

Eco (Big, fat guy): Hahaha, you're so funny, Regula! Of course not!

Yamato: Eco? As in eco-friendly?

Eco: Yup, that's me! Eco Friendly! I'm the one who owns the eco-friendly sushi shop across the road!

Jealousy: Hello? I'm still here or did anyone forget?

Ultimo: Go away! We've got fully awesome stuff to discuss because we're good and evil sucks! *Hits Jealousy*

Jealousy: Waah! You're mean! *Flies away, accidently sets fire to his/her clothes/dress thanks to his/her booster rocket hidden in his/her clothes/dress and ends up having to walk through the street looking like the complete idiot he/her looks like 24/7 (seriously, if he/she actually wanted to prove he/she is a guy, he/she'd better start dressing like one! And by the way, _both_ girls and guys can wear suits! I'm not leaving any loopholes to prove that he/she is a guy!).*

Yamato: Why has his eye swollen 20 times its original size? Isn't he a robot, so he can't have his body parts swell-

Regula: Ultimo! Control yourself! *Slaps Ultimo*

Yamato: Hey, aren't you supposed to be good?

Regula: I am. I symbolise discipline so I can't stop disciplining people.

Yamato: Oh, I understand, now.

Eco: I thought you were bleeding heavily from one of your veins?

Yamato: I am.

Eco: Then why haven't you died yet or at least fainted?

Yamato: I dunno.

Regula: *Knocks Yamato out.* He has now.

Ultimo: Grr!

*Later, in the middle of nowhere.*

Yamato: Uh... Ow, my head... Wait a second... *Looks down at himself and sees he's wearing a dress- I mean, a robe sort of thing.* I'm naked underneath this... That pervert!

Eco: *Walks out of convenience shop that isn't supposed to be there because it's the middle of nowhere.* Hey, Yamato!

Yamato: How do you know my name? And did you see me naked when you put these clothes on me?

Eco: Yup!

Yamato: You foul animal!

Eco: Never mind about that! Here! *Throws sandals at Yamato's head.*

Yamato: Ow. *Puts sandals on.*

Eco: And here, I wasted my money on buying you food!

Yamato: I already ate...

Eco: EAT THIS!

Yamato: I already-

Eco: *Eyes glow red.*

Yamato: *Ulp* Ok... *Starts stuffing his face.* OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

Eco: Don't you get ingestion eating like that? And I thought you already ate-

Yamato: SHUT UP, FATTY! *Punches Eco and continues to stuff his face.* Hey, where's Ultimo?

Eco: 'Cleaning up'.

Yamato: 0.0

Eco: I meant cleaning up the apartment, you made a mess of it when you squirted your blood all over the walls.

Yamato: First you know my name, now you know what's happened to me before you arrived! How do you do it?

Eco: Oh, simple. We've been stalking you for the past few months now.

Yamato: WHAT? And wait a second- *Looks down at his arm.* My wound's healed? How is that even possible?

Regula: *Flies up to them.* I'm none 'cleaning up'.

Eco: Great! Let's go to b-

Regula: *Shoves his gauntlet into Eco's mouth.*

Eco: Let's go to... The strip club!

Regula and Yamato: 0.0

Eco: Ssh, people can hear us if we say it out loud!

Yamato: Ooh, so are we actually going to some secret base-

Regula: *Knocks Yamato out again.*

*Later.*

Yamato: *Wakes up in a dirty hospital bed.* What? Where am I?

Pardoner: You are at the Good Karakuridoji HQ.

Yamato: The HQ is a dirty abandoned hospital? No offense, but if I was setting up a HQ, I'd put it somewhere cooler, like an underground hideout or-

Regula: Don't make me knock you out again.

Yamato: I'm more scared of the creepy girl standing right there.

Pardoner: I'm not a girl!

Yamato: Fine, the creepy hermaphrodite.

Pardoner: Hey! Ok, we all look like girls, ok? I admit it!

Yamato: Regula doesn't.

Eco: *Walks in.* Ah, hello, Yamato! So you've woken up!

Yamato: HOW DARE YOU LOCK ME IN THIS JUNKYARD WITH A CREEPY CROSSDRESSING WEIRDO AND A SCARY BALD GUY DRESSED AS A MONK! *Punches Eco.*

Eco: Hahaha! You're funny!

Yamato: *Punches Eco.*

Pardoner: Remind me why he's a good guy.

Eco: He isn't.

Yamato: Hey!

Eco: Hahaha! Just kidding!

Yamato: *Punches Eco.*

Eco: Come on, we're gonna show you the other good guys! *Grabs Yamato and drags him out of the room.*

Regula: Sigh. *Flies after them.*

Yamato: Hey, Eco?

Eco: Yeah?

Yamato: What do you mean by 'clean up'? You've used that phrase several times.

Eco: *Turns around and the light goes in such a way that his face is shadowed by something that isn't his hair because he doesn't have a lot of it. Says in creepy voice-* Every Karakuridoji has a power. Regula can edit memories. That's his 'cleaning up'.

Yamato: Why are you speaking in really short sentences? Haven't you ever heard of commas?

Eco: No. We. Are. Going. To. Erase. Your. Memories. Now. Because. You. Are. Unworthy. Of. Being. Our. Leader.

Yamato: Wait, I'm going to be your leader?

Regula: Ultimo is the Karakuridoji of Ultimate Good! What did you expect? You need some disciplining!

Eco: No. He. Needs. His. Memories. To. Be. Erased.

Regula: Yes, Eco. *Crash tackles Yamato, which is hard because Yamato is three times his size.*

Yamato: NO! ULITMO!

Ultimo: *Appears out of nowhere.* Yes, master?

Yamato: Since you're the Karakuriwhatsit of Ultimate Good, you're stronger than Regula! I want you to beat the f*** out of them like what you did to Jealousy!

Eco: No, seriously, it was just a joke-

*Twenty minutes later...*

*Eco and Regula have been seriously bashed up. They must of been able to convince Ultimo and Yamato that they were just playing a joke on them because Ultimo had finally stopped beating them up enough to let them take them to the other good Karakuridoji and their masters.*

Eco: Right, here we are!

Yamato: *Looks around.* Were just in a dark room.

Scary old man that looks like a bulldog (I can't remember his name, so I'll just call him BM for Bulldog-Man): We are here.

Hiroshi (Aka- Complete delinquent that I'm surprised is good): Sup b*tch?

FT (fortune teller woman who I can't be bothered to look up her name): Hello.

Yamato: *Looks at her chest and drools.* You've got big... Jiggly wiggly breastucusses!

FT: 0.0

BM: This is no time for perverted thinking! Let me introduce ourselves... I am Shakujii. I am Pardoner's master. Pardoner is he who symbolises patience.

Yamato: Well, he sure didn't seem very patient when I woke up.

Pardoner: Shut up.

Hiroshi: I'm Hiroshi, don't mess with me, punk! My Karakuridoji is Goge. He Symbolises Meditation. Much better than your stupid Ultimate Ultimo c***.

FT: Ignore him, Yamato.

Yamato: How do you know my- Oh great, does everyone here stalk me?

Everyone: Yes.

Yamato: Sigh...

FT: I'm Shina! My Karakuridoji is Slow, he (or maybe she) symbolises Energy. Don't mind Hiroshi, he's a total douchebag.

Hiroshi: Who are you calling a douchebag, you big-boobed buttocks!

Shina: Haha, is that the best insult you can throw at me?

Hiroshi: Oh, I can do much worse!

Yamato: What the hell? You're supposed to be good!

Hiroshi: Shut up, no one likes you!

Yamato: Why are they fighting?

Eco: Uh, because we don't have a leader to lead us?

Yamato: I thought that bulldog-man was the leader!

Shakujii: Hey!

Salesman dude: This is no time for your squabledidledidledidle! Shut the f*** up right now before I use _my_ Karakuridoji to whup your asses!

Yamato: How did _he_ get here? And are you a door-to-door salesman?

Salesman dude: Yep.

Hiroshi: WHAT? I NEVER KNEW THAT! GET THE HELL OUT!

Shina: You've known him for ages, Hiroshi, how could you _not_ know?

Hiroshi: What? You... You called my Hiroshi? HOW DARE YOU?

Shina: I thought that's your name?

Hiroshi: It is.

Shina: Then why don't you want me to call you by your-

Salesman dude: I'm Oizumi! My Karakuridoji is Service and she-

Service: Ahem!

Oizumi: Seriously, only an idiot would say you're a guy.

Service: Well, I am a guy, alright?

Me: FOR F***'S SAKE! HOW THE F*** ARE YOU A GUY? YOU'RE WEARING A F*** BOW IN YOUR HAIR AND YOU'RE WEARING A DRESS! A DRESS! SERIOUSLY, IS STAN LEE ON ACID? IS HE?

Yamato: Woah, how did she get here?

Me: BECAUSE I'M SO F*** PISSED OFF AT THIS MANGA I HAVE THE POWER TO TRAVEL INTO MY FANFICS WHEN I WANT TO AND SHOUT OUT MY FEELINGS FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE!

Service: I _am_ a guy.

Me: NO YOU'RE NOT! AND NEITHER IS PARDONER OR JEALOUSY OR SLOW AND HAVE ANY OF YOU NOTICED HOW GIRLY ULTIMO LOOKS? WHY ARE ALL OF YOU WEARING DRESSES? AND ALL THE KARAKURIDOJI HAVE WOMEN BODIES AND BIG EYELASHES! IT'S LIKE SAYING NiGHTS IS A GUY! AND HEY, I BET SOPHIA'S A GUY TOO, AREN'T YOU, SOPHIA?

Sophia: *Blushes.*

Yamato: Wait, who's Sophia?

Me: Crap, gotta go! *Teleports away.*

Yamato: Who was she?

Ultimo: I have no idea...

Yamato: So... Am I your leader now?

?: Yeah, and you'd better be good!

Yamato: What? *Turns to see a teenager sitting in the corner, reading a playboy magazine.*

?: I'm Mush. My Karakuridoji is Sophia who symbolises Wisdom. I know he looks like a girl, but really, he isn't.

Yamato: I thought Sophia is a girl's name?

Mush: It is. Now go take The Pledge of Complete Sexuality- I mean, The Pledge so you and Ultimo will be more powerful and we can win the 100 Machine Funeral.

Yamato: Wait, the 100 Machine what?

Shakujii: One of the reasons Dr Dustbin created the Karakuridoji in the first place. You see, he first made just Ultimo and Vice, but then he decided to change the plot of the manga suddenly without editing out the beginning to make it all fit. So he created the Seven Deadly Sins and the Six Perfections.

Yamato: That's nowhere near 100 machines. That's only 15 if you include Ultimo and Vice.

Shina: Yeah, I pointed that out before, but something tells me Dustbin won't ever change the name to the 15 machine funeral. It won't sound as cool.

Yamato: Wait, how come we only get 7 Karakuridoji on our side and the evil dudes get to have 8?

Hiroshi: Life's unfair, punk.

Shakujii: So go take The Pledge so you'll be more stronger.

Mush: Yeah, we need a leader to lead us because no offense, but Shakujii is a great big-

Pardoner: Excuse me, but do you want to die?

Sophia: Don't you dare threaten my boyfriend!

Pardoner: You're a guy.

Sophia: But my name's Sophia and Sophia's a girl's name. Thus, I am a girl.

Pardoner: Yes, but Karakuridouji means 'Mechanical Boy'. Thus, you are a _**GUY**_.

Ultimo: Let's go, Master! *Grabs Yamato's hand and drags him outside.*

Yamato: How are we supposed to take this 'Pledge'?

Ultimo: *Undoes his/her bra- I mean, shirt thing that _looks_ like some sort of bra but totally isn't. I mean, why would it be?*

Yamato: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! RAPIST!

Ultimo: Sorry? You have to touch my spirit sphere for The Pledge to take place.

Yamato: 0.0 Creepy... Rapist... I thought you were my friend...

Ultimo: Ulti isn't going to rape Master. This is my spirit sphere. *Takes off bra- I mean shirt thing that doesn't look like a shirt. Glowing little sphere at his heart.* See?

Yamato: Oh... I thought you were talking about your di... Never mind.

Ultimo: Go on, touch it!

Yamato: Ok... *Touches spirit sphere.* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE PAIN! IT REALLY, REALLY HURTS! OW!

Ultimo: Sorry, Master.

*Meanwhile...*

Jealousy: *Stands on top of building looking down at Rune who is walking through a dark alley where no one can hear him scream. Gez, and I thought he was supposed to be _smart_.*

Rune: Where's Yamato? I thought he was going to Sayama's party... *Reaches a dead end.* Oh crud, a dead end. *Turns around to see Jealousy fly down and loom over him.*

Jealousy: I can see your past and future... And the swirling envy in your heart...

Rune: AAAAAAHHHHH! PAEDOPHILE!

Jealousy: I have you cornered now.

Rune: *Tries to run but crashes into a wall because he's at a dead end.*

Jealousy: You're cornered, where are you trying to run to, idiot?

Rune: *Shivering.* Paedophile... No one can hear me scream...

Jealousy: I'm a guy, you idiot, and a robot! How can I rape-

Rune: If you're a robot, how come your eye's all swollen?

Jealousy: Never mind that. I'm Jealousy, he who symbolises Envy in the Seven Deadly Sins. I want you to become my evil master and we along with Vice and the other of the Seven Deadly Sins we shall dominate the world!

Rune: You're evil?

Jealousy: Yes, I am.

Rune: If you're evil, why would I want to join you? No one wants to be evil!

Jealousy: We have hot girls!

Rune: Eww, no.

Jealousy: We have both Yaori and Yuri!

Rune: Hm, tempting.

Jealousy: We have lollies with whipped cream on top!

Rune: I'LL JOIN YOU! Just give me my lollies and whipped cream.

Jealousy: Yeah suer, here's the money. *Gives Rune some money.* I can't be seen in public like this because apparently no one dresses like this these days and everyone laughs at me and calls me a cross dresser.

Rune: Kay, I'll meet up with you and help you do your evil bidding after I get the lollies and whipped cream. How about we meet in the graveyard? That's the most evil place I can think of and we can use the tombstones for target practise!

Jealousy: I think we can become fast friends...

*The next day.*

Yamato: *Walking to school.* Dum de dum de dah!

Midget Friend : Hiya! *Punches Yamato in the d*ck*

Yamato: Ow...

Nerdy Friend: Hello, what's up?

Violent Friend: *Chases after Midget Friend with a big stick.*

Sayama: Hello, Yamato.

Yamato: *Drools.*

Nerdy Friend: Where's Rune? It's not like him to be late.

Violent Friend: And he's never been sick before...

Midget Friend: Maybe he died in the bus explosion yesterday!

Yamato: Huh?

Midget Friend: Don't you remember? You were in a bus explosion yesterday! And there was this kid who was either a guy or a girl I'm not sure, but they were holding up the bus and then this green guy turned up and stabbed him or her in the d*ck and then the guy/girl cut him in half and then the bus exploded and the green guy flew off and then-

Violent Friend: She tried to explain this to us yesterday. I think she's still having a major hangover.

Yamato: Um... (This really happened! Oh my gosh, I'm such a terrible actor even though I'm supposed to be really cool and badass even though I'm friends with a bunch of weirdos... Except Sayama, she's so hot...)

Rune: Hello, everyone.

Violent Friend: I _told_ you he didn't die in the bus explosion! But would you listen? Nooo!

Midget Friend: Well...

Rune: It's ok, Yamato and I weren't there when it happened.

Midget Friend: But I saw you there-

Rune: WE WEREN'T THERE!

Midget Friend: 0.0

*Bell rings.*

Nerdy Friend: Let's go to class!

Yamato: (Wow, even though Rune's hardly spoken, I can tell that he's acting really weird.) Hey, Rune, can I talk to you in private?

Rune: Yep.

Yamato: You didn't tell anyone about the Kar- The robotic people?

Rune: Nope, I think that the Karakuridoji would be a good secret to keep.

Yamato: *Doesn't wonder how Rune found out the name for the robot freaks.* Ok, let's go to class!

*A while later...*

5 year old girl called Hana: Dum de dum de dah! *Skipping through the streets with absolutely no parental guidance to stop her from being raped, kidnapped or hit by a car. Walks up to the school's front gate.* Hi!

Old security guard- wait, I thought this was a public school?: Oh, hello there.

Hana: Have you seen a kid called Yamato Agari? He's _really_ tall and he looks really stupid and he's always hanging out with a midget girl, a nerd girl, a nerd guy, a violent girl and a hot girl!

Old SG: Eh? Oh yeah, he's come by. Say, what's a young girl like you doing here alone? Where are your parents?

Hana: Hana's teacher told Hana that Mummy and Daddy are gone!

Me: You look rather happy about that. *Teleports away.*

Old SG: Oh... That's... *Starts crying even though security guards aren't allowed to show any emotion or they'll get fired. This is a true fact. Seriously, my mother's father's granddaughter told me.*

Hana: Hana's going in! *Walks past Old SG.*

Old SG: WAIT! *Starts chasing after Hana.* You can't go in alone!

Hana: Hana's not alone, He's coming with me! *Points to something behind Old SG.*

Old SG: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH! *Runs away.*

*Meanwhile...*

Yamato: So... Boring... Uh... *Rests his head against his desk and tries to fall asleep.*

Hana: Hey, Yamato!

Nerdy Friend: Hey Yamato? There's a little kid right outside the window who wants to talk to you.

Yamato: I can't talk, I'm asleep.

Hana: People who are asleep can't talk, dumb-dumb!

Yamato: Well _I_ am- *Looks up.* Oh my f***ing gosh, what the hell is that? **Points at huge, fat Karakuridoji that Hana's standing on.*

Hana: That's Eater! He who represents Gluttony in the Seven Deadly Sins!

Yamato: By the way you're talking, I wouldn't guess you're 5.

Hana: Are you laughing at me because I'm a little kid?

Yamato: Yes.

Hana:: HAHA! TAKE A LOOK AT THIS! EATER, ATTACK!

Eater: YAAAAAARRRRRRR! *Smashes Gym.*

Class: YAAAY!

Hana: You'll be next, Yamato!

Yamato: Ultimo?

Ultimo: *Appears out of nowhere.* Yes, Master?

Class: What the f***?

Yamato: Let's beat the hell out of this little kid.

Ultimo: Yes Master. Your wish is my command.

*Somewhere else in the school.*

Jealousy: Gawd, why does Ultimo look like an idiot now?

Rune: You look quite stupid with that pink stuff on your face.

Jealousy: Are you kidding me? I look _cool_! Dustbin made me like this because he knew that in a few millennia, everyone will fear the colour pink and I'll be the terrifying creature with pink stuff on my face that everyone will be afraid to speak the name of because-

Rune: Shut up.

Jealousy: Yes Master. Your wish is my command.

**AN: Please review!**

**Yeah, I'm doing one chapter = One book, I bet you intelligent people have noticed that already.**

**Oh yeah, and at the parts that annoy me, I'll be appearing to shout at the characters because that's what I sometimes feel like doing when I read the series.**


	4. Chapter 3 PART 1!

**AN: It's about time I updated again!**

Me: Before we begin this next installment, I have something very important to say.

Yamato: But I was just about to beat up a little kid! And who are you, anyway?

Me: Shut up, I would like to apologize to Stan Lee for dissing him in the previous chapter.

Rune: Why?

Me: BECAUSE HE HELPED CREATE THE AVENGERS AND THE FANTASTIC FOUR AND HE WORKS FOR MARVEL!

Rune: Ok...

Me: I just wanted to diss someone because the artist of this manga created Shaman King which I heard is good.

Yamato: I thought you liked Karakuridouji Ultimo?

Me: Of course I do!

Yamato: Then why are you acting as if you don't?

Me: Because... Because... YOUR MUM DOES! SNAP! *Teleports away*

Yamato: Right, on with the story! **Turns to Hana** I'M GONNA BEAT YOU UP!

Eater: Bwhahaha! **Smashes a few unimportant things like the school oval**

Yamato: Ok, Ultimo! Let's show these guys a type of fighting that we discovered ages ago!

Ultimo: Yes! Let us combine fluids- I mean, forces! **He/she and Yamato become God Ultimo**

Hana: You didn't discover that!

Yamato: Hey, why are we called God Ultimo? Why can't we be called God Yamato?

Ultimo: How about because if it weren't for me, you'd be a boring old teenager leading a boring old life?

Yamato: Sounds legit.

Hana: ATTACK!

Yamato: You know if you're doing what I am doing now, you won't even have to scream out commands for your Karakuridouji. You can just think that commands and it'll be over in a second. Watch! *He and Ultimo cut off Eater's arm*

Hana: Wow!

Eater: I'M BEING MAIMED!

Hana: What- Oh, right. ATTACK!

Ultimo: *Cuts off Eater's other arm*

Hana and Eater: … We're screwed...

Yamato: BWAHAHAHA! **Cuts off Eater's legs**

Eater: AHHHHHHHHH! **Rolls around and crashes into a building**

Yamato: When the master's love for a Karakuridouji runs dry, the Karakuridouji will take it's original form.

Hana: But I still love Eater!

Yamato: Shut up **freezes Hana in time** Tine-space manipulation. That's Ultimo's power.

Eater: What? This is my original form? What does this form have to do with Gluttony? I symbolize Gluttony, not dwarves!

Bes: BOO!

Yamato: What-

Bes: Sorry, wrong story. **Walks away**

Yamato: Eater, you're coming back to base with us so you can tell us all of your secrets.

Eater: What, no!

Ultimo: We'll give you cookies!

Eater: NOOOOOOO! I CAN'T RESIST COOKIES! All the same, I can't come with you. So, la de dah de dah, I'm just going to fly off, despite the fact that Ultimo can manipulate time and space and catch me instantly.

Ultimo: **Cathches and freezes Eater** Ok, Master! When do we rape these-

Rune: I would put him down if I were you. He's a very valuable minion of mine.

Yamato: Rune? Since when were you the leader of the evil gang?

Rune: Never. That line just sounded cool.

Jealousy: Bwahaha! You don't want to hurt any of your little friends, now don't you? **Indicates to Yamato's girlfriends- sorry, friends that just so happen to be girls**

Yamato: Rune, you do know those are your friends, too.

Rune: But I'm too emo to care! I will end them if you manipulate time!

Yamato: What if I freeze time before you can do anything?

Rune: **Shrugs** Dunno. **In a spooky voice** Reading thoughts is Jealousy's power...

Yamato: Before you kill your childhood friends, can you please tell me why you're with Jealousy.

Jealousy: Oh, basically something really disgusting happened and now Rune is gay.

Rune: Shut up. **To Yamato** If you took the pledge, you would remember you were involved with a beautiful young girl called Lady Gekko.

Yamato: Oh, I remember her! Lovely slim figure, gorgeous legs, tiny butt... Sort of like... You?

Rune: Yup! But now you just care about Sayama! I'm sulking!

Jealousy: Jealous.

Rune: Sorry, I'm jealous!

(Flashback)

**In a creepy graveyard**

Rune: Right, I'm here!

Jealousy: Good. It is time to take the pledge!

Rune: Ok. Want a jelly snake?

Jealousy: No. So as I was saying, I can see your past and future... Blah, blah blah... Swirling envy in your heart...

Rune: Mm, hm. Want some whipped cream?

Jealousy: Sure. **Sprays a whole lot into his/her mouth** Oh yeah, and I know your deepest, darkest secret, by the way.

Rune: Yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever. **Shoves some lollies into his mouth**

Jealousy: The nude pictures of Yamato in your room give it all away.

Rune: **Spits out the lollies** WHAT?

Jealousy: Bwahaha! You can't hide anything from me! Let's take the pledge!

**A few painful seconds later**

Rune: I was a girl... I was a girl... I had the monthly womanly cycle and mountains on my chest... I was a girl... I was a girl...

Jealousy: Meh, you'll get over the shock of it soon ^_^

(Flashback in a flashback)

**Pretty young woman that looks like a less-nerdier version of Rune is sitting alone beside a pond, tearing the heads off flowers**

Really Creepy Maid number 1 (RCM1): LADY GEKKO! For the last time, you shouldn't kill the palace gardens!

Gekko: But my heart is as cold and black as the rest of the world.

Really Creepy Maid number 2 (RCM2): And what are you doing out here? The really ugly, stupid, evil emperor that people only like because of his large amount of money that he wastes on ox-drawn carts is coming and you must marry him!

Gekko: But I can't marry him! His heart may be dark, but it isn't like mine. The world is-

RCM1: AGH! How can you cay that you don't want to marry him? You must!

Gekko: Since when were you the boss of me? My soul runs freely through the darkness of this land.

**There's a noise outside the palace walls. Both creepy maids have spaz attacks and have to be taken away.**

Gekko: *Sigh* He's here...

Mikando (guy who looks suspiciously like K): WAHAHA! LOVE MY ABSOLUTELY CRAZY OX-DRAWN CART? IT'S SO CRAZY, I THINK THAT _I'M_ GOING CRAZY, MYSELF! WAIT, I _AM_ CRAZY ALREADY!

Gekko: He's so crazy...

Mikando: I know, right? Hey, babe, wanna take it to your room?

Gekko: No.

Mikando: Let's do it!

**In the room of sexuality**...

Mikando: SWANDIVE!

Gekko: I refuse to remove my clothes, you vile little bi-

**Wall smashes open and the Bandit Leader called Yamato and two bandits are standing beside him. The only character missing from this badass panel is Ultimo who is actually raiding the palace kitchens**

Yamato: Okie dokie Loki! Time to kick your evil ass, Mikando!

Gekko: Oh, my cold-hearted hero...

**Later**

Fat Bandit Dude (who looks suspiciously like the policeman who tried to arrest Yamato and Rune in the first book) YAAAAAAAY! We beat the nobility and raided their kitchens for snacks!

Other bandit: Hey, shouldn't we take over the empire, now?

Yamato: Nah, my job is fighting evil. If we take over the empire, there will be no evil to fight.

Other Bandit: Ok...

Yamato: Plus, I'm still trying to think about what we do with this emo princess.

Gekko: **Sitting on his horse, muttering things about pain death, and bittersweet love with the ruler of the bandits**

Ultimo: Can we kill her? She's one of the nobility, so she must be evil.

Yamato: Now that's just racist.

Bandit: But the nobility isn't a race.

Yamato: You're right. They're a different species, entirely.

Gekko: It's alright. I confess the darkness in my cold heart and I now love you.

Yamato: ...What?

(Back to the flashback)

Jealousy: Face the truth. You're a boy now, but when Yamato came to the school, your instant friendship was quite real... Are you listening to me?

Rune: I was a girl... I was a girl... I was a girl...

Jealousy: **Facepalms**

_To be Continued (hopefully) Sometime Soon..._

**AN: Part 2's gonna come out... Sometime... When I feel like it...**


End file.
